ABOUT OUR KIDS 6

Seven Common Discipline Mistakes Parents Make--And How to Avoid Them

Discipline is not a happy word. But without it kids grow up acting like savages. Tamara Eberlein shares seven common discipline pitfalls and what to do about them:

1. Losing your temper. When parents lose their cool and blow up, kids know it. Danny, eight, hit his four-year-old sister, Sally. Sally screams and Mother comes running. She yells, "You know better than to hit your sister!" She grabs Danny by the arm and pushes him down in a chair. Danny has learned that the way to get attention is to yell. When you habitually yell, your children will soon be yelling back at you.

A better way: Stop the violence. Take both of his hands in yours. Look him straight in the eye and, with a prayer in your heart, firmly say: "You know that we do not allow hitting. Violence is wrong. It makes God feel bad. I am disappointed in you! Do you understand? There will be consequences. You will sit in this chair for 20 minutes and think about your behavior. Then you will go to your room and write a one-page letter to me telling why hitting is not allowed." To manifest passion toward an erring child is to increase the evil. It arouses the worst passions of the child and leads him to feel that you do not care for him.

2. Parents disagree on rules. Sometimes parents disagree on rules. But they must always present a united front. Children are masters at the game of "divide and conquer." Together, set guidelines for your children's homework, chores, bedtime, plus prohibitions against hitting, stealing, and lying. One parent should not be responsible for all discipline. And, of course, never contradict your spouse's orders.

3. Don't treat kids like little adults. We should listen to our children and respect them but do not run your home like a democracy. Raymond, age 6, grabs a video from the shelf at the super market: "Please Mom, I want this video!" "No, Raymond, it's too violent." "But Mom, all the kids at school watch it." It is not necessary to explain all the reasons. "Because, I said so." should be sufficient.

As kids get older, take time to explain and ask for their input, but never compromise your principles.

4. Don't bribe or misuse rewards. "If you two will stop fussing, I will give you a special treat for dinner tonight." This strategy may work for a time, but sooner or later they will start misbehaving to get prizes. A bribe is the wrong way to motivate children. The best rewards are intrinsic--the good feeling that comes from doing right. "It feels good to do something for someone, doesn't it, Larry?" When we do right God rewards us with a sense of peace and joy.

5. Praising too much or too little. Affirmation is a powerful strategy for building self-worth. But if we praise too much, the child will feel let down when he doesn't receive it. Children can become "praise-junkies." "Wow, this report card is great! You are such a smart boy!" To label a child as "smart" is flattery. Give affirmation for positive behavior. "Tommy, I am so proud of the way you helped clean the kitchen. Thank you!" Children will repeat behavior that brings appreciation.

6. Inconsistent discipline. Karen, age 5, was lying on the sofa, sobbing. "Why are you crying, Karen?" "Cause, last time I used a bad word you laughed at me. Now, you take away my dolly." If you are erratic or inconsistent in your discipline they will catch you every time. If they get a laugh one time and punishment the next, they will become confused.

Mother knelt by Karen. "Honey, I'm sorry. Mother was not consistent in her rules. I will try to do better next time." Karen responded with a big hug.

7. Avoid inappropriate punishment. The purpose of discipline is to teach, not to punish. The punishment should be a natural and logical consequence of the misbehavior. Example: When a child abuses television, the logical consequence would be to take away television privileges. If a child refuses to come to meals when he is called, a natural consequence would be cold food or no food. When a teenage boy comes in after his curfew on Friday night, a logical consequence would be to ground him on Saturday night. But to ground him for two weeks would be inappropriate. Children know intuitively what is fair and right.

Adapted from Tamara Eberlein, Redbook, June 1993.