TIPS FOR US-NESS 3

Tips for Men

How you may unknowingly turn off your partner

Mistakes men commonly make...

1. He doesn't listen, gets easily distracted, doesn't ask interested or concerned questions
2. He takes her feelings literally and corrects her. He thinks she is asking for solutions so he gives advice.
3. He listens but then gets angry and blames her for upsetting him or for bringing him down
4. He minimizes the importance of her feelings and needs. He makes children or work more important.
5. When she is upset, he explains why he is right and why she should not be upset.
6. After listening, he says nothing or just walks away.

Why she doesn't feel loved...

1. She feels unloved because he is not attentive or showing that he cares.
2. She feels unloved because he doesn't understand her.
3. She feels unloved because he doesn't respect her feelings.
4. She feels unloved because he is not devoted to her and doesn't honor her as special.
5. She feels unloved because he doesn't validate her feelings but instead makes her feel wrong and unsupported.
6. She feels insecure because she doesn't get the reassurance she needs.

Tips for Women

How you may unknowingly turn off your partner

Mistakes women commonly make...

1. She tries to improve his behavior or help him by offering unsolicited advice
2. She tries to change or control his behavior by sharing her upset or negative feelings. (It is OK to share feelings, but not when they attempt to manipulate or punish)
3. She doesn't acknowledge what he does for her but complains about what he has not done.
4. She corrects his behavior and tells him what to do, as if he were a child.
5. She expresses her upset feelings indirectly with rhetorical questions like "How could you do that?"
6. When he makes a decision or takes initiatives, she corrects or criticizes him.

Why he doesn't feel loved...

1. He feels unloved because she doesn't trust him anymore.
2. He feels unloved because she doesn't accept him as he is.
3. He feels taken for granted and unloved because she doesn't appreciate what he does.
4. He feels unloved because he does not feel admired.
5. He feels unloved because she feels she has taken away her approval of him. He no longer feels like the good guy.
6. He feels unloved because she does not encourage him to do things on his own.

The 12 kinds of Love

Women need to receive… Men need to receive…
1. Caring 1. Trust
2. Understanding 2. Acceptance
3. Respect 3. Appreciation
4. Devotion 4. Admiration
5. Validation 5. Approval
6. Reassurance 6. Encouragement

Adapted from John Gray, PhD, “Men Are from Mars and Women Are from Venus.”